What Working at Walmart Does to Your Soul: Fuck Christmas.

I have worked through too many holiday seasons to ever be excited about decorations ever again. I hate buying gifts, wrapping presents, and seeing the colours red and green together makes me want to vomit. I wasn't like this before. I used to feel that festive magic in the cold, winter breeze as I enjoyed the warmth of new mittens or the unsettling prickle of a wool scarf. I used to send friends and family texts wishing them happy holidays. That was before I survived in the glitter covered, ugly garland, vulgar snowman trench of customer service at Walmart in the two months before Christmas and the two months afterwards.

People buy too many prepackaged shower gel sets (and return them all), put $20 stickers on $200 Christmas trees while trying to argue that the price is right, complain that the lines are too long (bitch, you are not in line, you are the line) and hold you responsible for the filthy bathrooms because other customers decided to pee all around the toilet but not in it (on a side note; I had one Grand Bitch actually complain and say that we should put up cameras facing the bathrooms for that purpose. And do what exactly? Confront old grannies in the detergent isle that she should go wipe her pee off the seat? Okay.)

Every time I see a holiday display in a store or not, I instantly gag. I hate Christmas. For me, it is all about people overspending and being complete assholes. Perhaps with time I can let go of that hateful symbolism for a holiday that is meant to bring families together. Until then, I will assume that every time a wreath is hung on a door, a minimum wage worker chain-smokes on their lunch break.

This Is The Shit I Don't Like.

1. Wine.
Tastes so sweet but it is the devil's blood.
Source: Victoria Day Incident of 2009 where I ate mac and cheese and drank too much wine and then burned my insides when my body decided to vomit out the most acidic creation known to man.

2. Holidays.
Ugh Jesus holidays. I hate Christmas and Easter because it is retail hell and I am a shitty gift giver.
Source: My broken soul after an eight hour shift returning people’s used Christmas trees.

3. Boobs.
This could be its own list but the bottom line is that they get in the way of life.
Source: Always hitting my trackpad when bending over my laptop and accidentally pausing Netflix. This happens daily.
Source 2: When Victoria’s Secret has such cute designs for no-tit people and I’m here with large bags of sand that need the love and support of leopard pattern lace. And When my big boob bra sizes are always at the bottom drawer so my body has to go through the torture of bending down to get them while flat-chested girls giggle and gently reach for the top drawer.

4. When I notice my reflection in my laptop screen and I see my resting bitch face stuffing itself with Tostitos.
Source: Resting bitchface syndrome is real.

5. When the guy at McDonalds asks if I’m okay and I don’t know what the fuck his problem is and 30 minutes later I see my reflection in the bathroom mirror and for some reason my mascara leaked and it looks like I was crying. 
Source: Real life. Waterproof my fuckin' ass Maybelline. 

6. Forgetting how to read for pleasure. 
I have been reading scholarly journal articles, medical journals and the philosophy of psychology for the last four years. What is fiction?
Source: My soon to be official degree in psychology.

7. When my feet feel like they’re getting infected and inflamed because I'm shamelessly wearing dirty, sweaty, smelly socks. 
Source: I don't do laundry until it is medically necessary. It is gross. I need help.

8. When my mom asks what I ate that day.
I get angry because I don’t remember what the fuck I ate three hours ago. So I lie and always say I had a bagel.
Source: I do not eat bagels that often.

9. Bottom crisper drawers in my fridge.
These are the bane of my existence because my back hurts like a motherfucker when I bend down that low. So I don’t bend down and ignore the food that is stored at the bottom of my fridge and then all the lettuce and other shit that needs to be crispy rots away.
Source: Gross lettuce in my fridge.

10. Washing dishes.
I would rather clean the entire fucking apartment and wash its windows in exchange for not washing the dishes.
Source: I have actually paid others to wash my dishes.
Source 2: I am writing this instead of washing dishes. 

11. When I brush my teeth but I’m not sleepy yet and want to eat.
Source: Always craving almonds or pistachios and other shit that gets lodged in my teeth right before sleepy time. Why can't I just enjoy life?

34 Things I Learned From My University Experience

1. The absolute limit of how many days I can function without sleep and still type proper sentences.
2. The artful skill of bibliography construction in 20 minutes or less.
3. The beauty of creative writing caused by procrastination.
4. The significance of the command+S twitch in my left hand that ensures I don't lose my mind if my laptop fucks up.
5. The power of hangovers on cognition.
6. How to utilize a multiple choice exam to eliminate possible answers to questions I didn't bother learning the answer to.
7. How to bullshit an opinion my prof wants to see.
8. Awesome locations of deserted study spaces on campus.
9. How to avoid people on campus that you drunkenly embarrassed yourself in front of the night before.
10. How to stop going to keggers just because they are in walking distance.
11. The significance of a "day off".
12. Conversation topics to pursue with cab drivers (family, country of birth, Canada being awesome).
13. How to identify denial in myself about being capable to successfully study in bed.
14. The influence of kitchen cleanliness on mood and willingness to eat.
15. Addictive properties of Rockstar.
16. Magical ability of writing an essay on receipt paper at work, typing it up on my phone on the way home, submitting it one minute before the deadline and earning a solid B.
17. Understanding that just because someone is a leading professional in their field, doesn't mean they can teach.
18. The relationship between good professors and time spent in lectures.
19. The nightmares of absent TAs.
20. The powerful post-grad advice of TAs.
21. How to create complicated to-do lists and not do anything on them.
22. The significance of supportive friends.
23. The effects of binge drinking on the level of discomfort during the post-party morning commute home.
24. How you should always bring sunglasses just in case you don't want to make accidental eye contact with sober people on the subway the next morning because you're still kind of drunk.
25. The effects of professor's tone and volume of voice on desire to sleep.
26. How sleep deprivation creates mixed feelings of prosperity and impending doom all at the same time.
27. How to prioritize which chapters to study when you ran out of time to read them all.
28. How to effectively nap in a bed made from two shitty library chairs.
29. How to bullshit short answer questions by writing absolutely everything I know in hopes of actually mentioning the correct information.
30. How to identify my body's symptoms of dehydration, sleep deprivation, immune system shut down, brain farts and how to not do anything about them.
31. Circadian rhythm and it's advantages when studying all through the night and into the morning.
32. Which junk food packaging makes the least amount of noise when opened in silent study areas.
33. How fucking loud an empty stomach can actually growl. And how awkward it is to apologize to the woman sitting next to me because it broke her concentration during our exam.
34. Critical thinking skills.