This Is The Shit I Don't Like.

1. Wine.
Tastes so sweet but it is the devil's blood.
Source: Victoria Day Incident of 2009 where I ate mac and cheese and drank too much wine and then burned my insides when my body decided to vomit out the most acidic creation known to man.

2. Holidays.
Ugh Jesus holidays. I hate Christmas and Easter because it is retail hell and I am a shitty gift giver.
Source: My broken soul after an eight hour shift returning people’s used Christmas trees.

3. Boobs.
This could be its own list but the bottom line is that they get in the way of life.
Source: Always hitting my trackpad when bending over my laptop and accidentally pausing Netflix. This happens daily.
Source 2: When Victoria’s Secret has such cute designs for no-tit people and I’m here with large bags of sand that need the love and support of leopard pattern lace. And When my big boob bra sizes are always at the bottom drawer so my body has to go through the torture of bending down to get them while flat-chested girls giggle and gently reach for the top drawer.

4. When I notice my reflection in my laptop screen and I see my resting bitch face stuffing itself with Tostitos.
Source: Resting bitchface syndrome is real.

5. When the guy at McDonalds asks if I’m okay and I don’t know what the fuck his problem is and 30 minutes later I see my reflection in the bathroom mirror and for some reason my mascara leaked and it looks like I was crying. 
Source: Real life. Waterproof my fuckin' ass Maybelline. 

6. Forgetting how to read for pleasure. 
I have been reading scholarly journal articles, medical journals and the philosophy of psychology for the last four years. What is fiction?
Source: My soon to be official degree in psychology.

7. When my feet feel like they’re getting infected and inflamed because I'm shamelessly wearing dirty, sweaty, smelly socks. 
Source: I don't do laundry until it is medically necessary. It is gross. I need help.

8. When my mom asks what I ate that day.
I get angry because I don’t remember what the fuck I ate three hours ago. So I lie and always say I had a bagel.
Source: I do not eat bagels that often.

9. Bottom crisper drawers in my fridge.
These are the bane of my existence because my back hurts like a motherfucker when I bend down that low. So I don’t bend down and ignore the food that is stored at the bottom of my fridge and then all the lettuce and other shit that needs to be crispy rots away.
Source: Gross lettuce in my fridge.

10. Washing dishes.
I would rather clean the entire fucking apartment and wash its windows in exchange for not washing the dishes.
Source: I have actually paid others to wash my dishes.
Source 2: I am writing this instead of washing dishes. 

11. When I brush my teeth but I’m not sleepy yet and want to eat.
Source: Always craving almonds or pistachios and other shit that gets lodged in my teeth right before sleepy time. Why can't I just enjoy life?